Wednesday, December 29, 2010

lower then expected norms

Hey, so I may have mislead some people if not everyone i spoke to over the last seven days.
I may have told you the population of this fair town was 10 000.
I was wrong. Way off.
It's 1 200.
So when I told you 10 000 and you nodded your head saying, "well, that's not so bad" I wondered why you were not more shocked. You weren't shocked because ten thousand is a large number, it's larger then Dryden (the smallest designated city in Ontario, with a population of 8 000 people). When really I wanted you to say "Oh MY god! how are you surviving! My high school was bigger then that!"
There I said it for you.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Time flies when you are having fun

Dear Blog,
This trip was too short.
I just got here.
Don't make me go back. Not yet at least. I'm not ready.
I haven't spent my whole paycheck yet.

But really, I'm excited to go back to see my lil'home on the range. I'm sure thing have fallen apart at home and Vitamin T will need help putting it all back together again.
Thank GOD! He has agreed to meet me at the airport tomorrow night instead of me getting on a bus at 11pm then arriving in the North at 2am. The possibilities of decapitation are too great for me to risk a trip like that. Plus it'll mean one exciting night in the booming metropolis of T Bay! *thumbs up*wink*

I read an article today about some idiot who got attacked by a bear last spring and vows revenge for his injured leg. I, now being a citizen of the North, immediately criticized this gentleman for being in the woods during the spring thaw/bear awakening/post hibernation killing spree. But we can't blame him.  No, no, no, this bear must die. And savagely at that. It must pay for the harm it caused and be held completely accountable for its instinctual urges to eat on an empty stomach. This man, he means business.

I hate people.

I have to go, 
Bye Bye Blog

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Editors notes

Whilst in the city I have been talking about my blog with its avid readers. All 6 of them.
One of which expressed a desire to see capital letters in my writing. So Laura, this on is for you.
I'll try to keep this up, but really it add just one more level onto the already difficult task of typing.
I will do my best. For you, and only you.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Urban sprawl withdrawl

Soon I will be returning to the home land for the holidays. i honestly could not be more excited To bask in the glow of urbanization once again. The glorious most wonderous city lights. And noise. And Traffic. And Sidewalks. And Nobody says hello to you while you are walking to the store just trying to mind you own business, that's all, just mind your business.
I might be the only person in this town who walks with their head down.
No hellos.
No how are yous.

I'm coming.
I'm excited.
I'm ready.
Get your butts in gear.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Saturday, December 4, 2010


i found a radio station.
am 1450.
it's staticy.

911 is a joke.

this town is so remote and so small that 911 doesn't exist.
if you are being robbed (an unlikely scenario here..), if your life is in danger, or if your house is burning down there are three different phone numbers each 7 digits long to be dialed depending on your emergency.

*the title of this is making reference to a public enemy song, i am not saying that 9-11 is a joke.
flava flav in full effect.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

a fast food nation.

as i wait the 25 mintues it takes to recieve take-out (like come on guys in the city i would expect to wait no more then 15, if that!) i ponder my love and affection for fast food. since only in the last month or two have i been depraved of the one thing all canadians believe they are entitled to at birth a tim hortons no less then a two mintue walk away not to mention any other fast food facility of any kind.
i crave mcdonalds. kfc, even though i haven't eaten there in over 10 years for some reason i want nothing more then a bucket of drumsticks. how i took for granted the convenience of wendy's. coffee, tim horton's coffee straight off the assembly line.
that glorious frist bite of the mcchicken the sesame seed bun sticking to the roof of my mouth, or peeling the greasey chiken skin off the bone and oil sticking to my chin, and the frosty. oh, the frosty. the double double and don't forget the donuts. frosted, glazed, plain, tiiiiimbits.
these simple pleasures i no longer can enjoy at will. to think! a child might live an entire five years without eating a happy meal.
i plan for at least 30 minutes of the drive down the 105 what i will eat once we reach a mcdonalds. what tasty meal i will chow down on. this has caused me to sample the menu perhaps a little more then i would if say, i just had to walk up the block. not to mention i eat about double what i normally would. that's right, i order an extra burger. just to taste it.
i'm letting you know this now. so upon my return you are not surprised by my binge eating of food that is incredibly bad for my heart, but so, so, oh so good for my soul.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

a foot of snow later, and i really am in the great white north.
i feel asleep to the distant hum of snow machines revving their engines like some motorcycle gang gearing up for a good ol'fashioned all night booze fest.

Friday, November 19, 2010

winter wonderland!

this morning i awoke to the first and most glorious snowfall!
about 20-25 cm of  fluffy white snow on the ground and counting.
the plows are out, the shovels are out and it's novemeber 19th!
we lost the ball on the first throw today, oscar couldn't find it. we're running low on tennis balls now...

Thursday, November 18, 2010

for paul

paul is right, that job at w's would have been blogging gold.
here are some tid bits from those three days of soul sucking hell:

  • i cashed out a man so drunk he could barely walk, he bought 10 frozen pizza's.
  • been told numerous times not to hide products at the back of the shelves, then told i'm not putting enough products on the shelves. my thought response "i thought you told me not to hide products, so i'm not hiding them. decide what it is you want me to do with all these fucking cans b/c ohmygod you are the worst!"
  • candy (yes w's smelly wife, her name is candy).
  • walking around a grocery store "facing products" just to kill time. (a perk)
  • t and his family came in to look for something on my first day. i was concentrating really hard on lining up boxes of golden grahams that  i didn't notice four people standing three feet away from me and all looking directly at me for roughly 30 seconds. t also vocalized a question which i ignored. "where are the sardines"
  • dropping 12 cans while trying to lift them over my head.
  • a lot of  talking to myself, and wondering who buys canned mushrooms "do some people prefer whole, sliced or does the true canned mushroom connoisseur go for the pieces and stems..."
  • moving frozen boxes of meat from one freezer to another. "why not get your weird son to do it? i'm sure he wants a break form his homeschooling with you to do hard physical labour.... ihateyouandthisjob"
  • shrink wrapping pork chops without any hand washing of any kind nor gloves. ohmygod so unsanitary.
  • pretending to care about lettuce. and the differences between thing. yet learning surprisingly fast that the code for banana's is 24.  
  • stocking shelves (another perk, b/c i didn't have to speak to anyone. just me, a box, and a shelf)
    •  thinking about how if i owned a grocery store i would keep the shelves stocked. not wait until they are empty and then order more of whatever it is. the whole point is to keep shelves full. not wait until you run out of something and then re order, AND not leave over stock on the floor in the isles in front of fully stocked shelves. this place is retarded. and looks awful.
    • low quality produce. bad. just bad vegetables and fruit. which i think is taking advantage of being the only grocery store in town since the A1 closed. do the people a favour and get good produce! maybe skimp on all the different variations of hamburger helper and supply more variety of anything fresh, i mean really. 

    just on a side note, i don't know how to make comments in response to comments. i'm not snubbing you, i just can't seem to post things in the comment box... i'm not that blogger savee yet.
    keep reading folks! one love!

    Monday, November 15, 2010

    me if i see a wolf

    no one fucks with my dog.

    more on wolves

    the sweet old man that walks his daughters dog and likes to give me fun facts about what trails to walk oscar down literally just told me that if i go up to the sand pits this time of year wolves will try to temp oscar away from me and eat him.
    this was actually what was said, they send two out so your dog chases them and then 8 more will surround your dog and eat it.
    so those bones i so lovingly displayed for ya'll to be shocked by were mos def a wolf kill.  
    this is where i live.
    on a brighter note, it's grey outside and i am going to make soup today.

    Wednesday, November 10, 2010

    a farewell letter.

    yes folks,
    this is a good bye letter.
    not in the way you might think. i am saying farewell to a mindless labour intensive and unbelievable depressing job, which according to "w" wife, i am no good at. i say farewell because you are looking at the brand new assistant coordinator of the e.f. daycare.
    (if i am the only person qualified enough for this job, look out world b/c there are going to be some messed up kids coming your way)

    so good bye "w's".

    good bye, smelly boss woman who has nothing nice to say, is loosing her hair and has a fake tooth that doesn't match the rest of her mouth. she is also considered unlikeable by the majority of this town.

    good bye, creepy son who gets home schooled in the back of the shop, and before that attended a strange and exclusive mennonite christian school, who has nose bleeds and leaves the unsanitary evidence for all too see. oh i forgot to mention his nickname is chucky. i don't know his real name, but it might be damian.

    finally, a good  bye "w" himself, who has a cheery disposition yet is constantly belittled by his hag wife and hated by most residence of this wonderful little town for his extreme opinions and crappy produce.

    and last but certainly not least...hello, opportunity!

    Sunday, November 7, 2010

    never cry wolf.

    last night whilst i lay snug in my bed i heard something.
    it could have been the wind, it could have been my imagination. but i am pretty sure it was the not so distant sound of howling wolves.
    yes folks, wolves.
    ppl pay money to hear wolf cries. they camp out, with a tent, with a guild, in algonquin park and they pay money to hear wolves. now i can experience this chilling phenominon from the warmth and comfort of my own bed.
    it has also made me re think walking the dog in the sand pit alone (as if finding the remains of animals wasn't enough to deter me in the first place...) for fear that there may be a wolf pack lurking in the dunes. 

    side note, terry was an hour early for work this morning, due to the time change. that means he woke up at 4 30 am.
    which sucks. for him.

    Thursday, November 4, 2010

    Monday, November 1, 2010

    a day in the life

    today, at my first day of work.
    w and is wife referred to their son as annoying and that i could tell him to shut up, while he was within earshot.
    then i walked by an open door and he looked out at me with a kleenex up his nose full of blood. walking into a nose bleed is horrifically disgusting.  i later found a bag full of bloody nose kleenex...
    the girl who stocks the produce had never heard of an avocado. and confirmed it's identity with w. i described it as being "bright green and creamy".
    one avocado is $3.59
    i met my neighbor at the check out. she knew who i was before i had any idea what was happening to me.
    the person i am interviewing with, for a better job that i am less likely to get, tomorrow also came into the grocery store.
    i lifted more boxes and stocked more shelves then i ever have in my entire life.
    and that was monday.
    tomorrow is tuesday, and another day

    Saturday, October 30, 2010

    Wednesday, October 27, 2010

    two days ago, on my walk in the sand pit, i saw a skeleton. a fresh, meat just cleaned off the bones, straight up skeleton.
    this afternoon i had to yank a piece of fresh bloody flesh about the size of two of my palms from out of my dogs throat.
    it's wild up here.

    Tuesday, October 26, 2010


    due to the lack of radio...i am being thrust violently into the 21st century.
    i have begun using pod casts. i am new to this. but i am figuring it out.
    it's cool. talk radio will keep me alive, and interested.
    today is my first day.
    and i am loving it.

    Monday, October 25, 2010

    i think i have a job at w's.
    and i don't know how i feel about it.

    the meat balls were....

    i may never eat beef again.
    only moose.
    moose balls, moose sausage, moose steak, moose burgers.

    Sunday, October 24, 2010

    i am currently making moose meat balls for dinner.
    i'll let ya'll know how they are

    it continues.

    w offers me a full time job via our neighbor doug.

    based solely on the impression i gave at our brief, yet apparently good impression making, meeting the other day at the supermarket.

    i dont know what to do.

    i say no, i'm the snob from the big city who is too good to work at the local grocery store.

    i say yes, i work at a grocery store.

    i say no, i have no money, nothing to do, and know no one.

    i say yes, i work at a grocery store.

    never before have i been in a position where a grocery store was a tempting opportunity....and still horrifically depressing at the same time.


    Thursday, October 21, 2010

    it begins

    so get this.

    we go to w's to buy groceries. he knows we aren't from around town and asks us if "we're just passin' through?" i

    say we're new in town.

    ("w" is the name of the store and the owner.)

    he asks us what we do. i say terry is a paramedic. i say i am looking for work.
    he asks me what kind of work.
    i say i'm looking for work at the daycare.

    w, who is an ex paramedic, phones the base to inform terry that indeed they are still hiring at the daycare if i wanted to drop by.

    that's a good small town for ya ;)

    tings no longer in my life.

    side walks. weeez walk on the road biatch!
    radio stations. no cbc. the one radio station erry canadian thought they had the privilege of listening to does not broadcast this far north. only one station, and on sundays it's religious talk.
    garbage seperation. thas right folks, it all goes in one bag.
    anonymity. people know i am new in town, and they have questions.
    restaurant choice. the 105. pappies. thas it.
    shopping. no where, nothing, not a shop in site. (well really i haven't looked that hard)
    unfriendly neighbours. erryone smiles and waves. iz nice.

    Tuesday, October 19, 2010

    the audio stages one goes through before reaching insanity on a road trip.


    Local Radio

    deafening silence. for hours, and hours.


    out of body experience.
    followed closely by deliriousness.

    and that my friends is how you fill fourteen hours of a day
    people do not say "saw"
    they only say "seen"


    it's happened.

    i woke up this morning to walk the dog, and it was snowing.